The Battle At Joes Bar - The Story
"I came here for a reason", his Evilness Kristos the
Graceless said to the young man beside him, his faithful companion
and trusted friend in all these troubled days that lay behind
them.
"So what is the reason?" Young master Luke inquired.
"I do not remember", the aging knight replied.
"Why is this my most admired Fullofshitness?"
"The reason I assume is the mighty barman, Joe the reckless,
the dark force of Planet P., the centre of gravity only few dare
to challenge."
"What did he do to you this evil, evil man?"
"He brought me to my knees my young apprentice."
"Impossible oh shining knight! You, the man they praise and
sing songs about on every campfire in our blessed by the faeries
kingdom, the man that once hunted the mighty squirrel in Nottingham
forest, the fearsome warrior that outdrank Norm, the man that
watched The Life of Brian without smiling at least once? I do
not believe it."
"You better do, the knight replied, and learn from my failure.
I was weary of the Raki but he got me on my G&T. I shouldn’t
call it that after there was no T in it, none at all. He tricked
me!"
"This dirty bastard."
"That he is."
Yes
I am back on Planet P and nothing has changed. A few new contestants
but the same routine as ever. It is a bit like Only Fools
And Horses, only that this is real and not a TV show. Talking
about it, recently one of the fools actually managed to fall of
a horse, thinking in his drunken stupidity, barebacking a pony
at four in the morning is a good idea. It is in a way, especially
when you have never ridden a horse before. It assures you a place
in the Plakias Top 10 of the most stupid accidents ever.
Lucky
Luke is in good company on this Plakian version of mount
Olympus, the summit of the champions, the peak of foolishness.
There is the lady that rode a bike and fell of the bridge, good
old Dani that pissed as an Irishman on Thanksgiving fell of the
roof and of course the Legend, Brian, blown away by the Meltemi
got stuck in a fence and damaged his knee so badly, we had to
carry him to Joes Bar the next day. Brian still dominates the
Top 10 but Luke apparently has some potential.
The
challenge this year seems to be to come up with incredibly stupid
things to do. We are doing well thanks to a certain Scotsman that
haunted us a few weeks ago. Scottish Michael or Mullah McGregor
as we call him, the man that out… - what is the opposite
of outsmart? - well that’s what he did anyway with all of
us, the devious genius.
Do you remember Waynes World the part where they sit in a car
and listen to Bohemian Rhapsody? We call it the bus and we sit
on barstools on the dance floor wearing helmets. You think that
is stupid? Trust me, that is one of the more sensible things we
do these days.
Inspired by our dear friend Scottish Michael, monkey nitpicking
was invented (don’t ask), the conga line from Joes to Ostraco
accompanied by an accordion player and more recently our warm
welcome to the new Egg Princess Tina when we did the conga hangover
in the morning and only wearing boxer shorts. I think Tina quite
liked it - although she blushed a little bit.
One could say we behave like adults do, especially when they have
to face the challenge of killing time every single day. Not easy,
I can assure you - especially now that the fecking wind is back
and we can’t even go to the beach.
"Your
Evilness, mighty knight what shall we do about that traitor, the
cheeky bastard. I do not dare to ask but shouldn’t we seek
revenge?"
"We should my young friend, we should."
" Does
my most enlightened although mentally instable guide to silliness
have a plan how to punish the infidel?"
"My memories, so blurred they are. A plan I had to strike
him down, beat him with his own weapons, teach him a lesson to
not mess with noble knights like Jorgi the bright, Mullah McGregor
or myself. If only I could remember. My mind I lost. Devious bastard!
Punishment he deserves and punished he will be, this my vow is
and my God, I will get him."
"Maybe we should assemble the knights."
"A good idea this is."
One other thing that became quite popular is writing stories.
Mullah McGregor for example is working on The Winchi Code,
from what we can tell a master piece in the making. Queen Emma
is continuing the Blog she started in Korea. We all look forward
to it. After all she is not doing much during the day so we started
wondering what she’s going to write about? For my own sake
I hope she is not working on The Art Of Doing Nothing
because this is the book I’m working on for quite a few
years already.
"Luke!"
"Yes father."
" Stop his bullshit, I am not your father. "
" I apologize."
" Luke!"
"Yes noble lord"
" Gather the knights!"
" Where shall we meet?"
" I suggest the castle of the vanishing man! There always
is enough beer in the cellar and we might even meet a few new
maidens that can please us."
" The Youth Hostel it is then."
Only
hours later the young apprentice has gathered the mighty knights.
His Evilness in the meantime contemplated and thought about a
way to address the knights. Should he tell them the truth about
his disgrace? Will they help to restore his honour? They must,
he thought, they must. Unlike King Arthur’s knights of the
round table there had only two “knights” assembled
at the Youth Hostels reception - Jorgi and Luke. His Evilness
was not pleased.
"Where
is McGregor?" The mighty knight shouted at Luke.
"He head of to Scotland, too late I came. I apologize Protector
of the Holy Snail."
" A shame it is, a loss the greater as the key to my genius
master plan he was."
"Why
does he speak like fucking Yoda?" Jorgi asked Luke.
"Don’t know. He think he just lost it. Too much Raki,
it screws you up. Just play the game, we might get some free drinks
out of it."
"Sounds good to me."
"We are doomed. May God have mercy on us all. Lost the cause,
truly lost it is. - But look, a messenger. Does he carry word
from our Scottish friend may be? My heart is pounding, so exciting.
Hurry mail man or I will whip you with the Rat O’ nine tails,
peasant! The news - is it good or bad? Hardly wait I can. Tell
me quickly unworthy marmot."
"It is a letter from Reading."
" From Reading?"
" From Reading!"
"So it is true, our dear friend Emma is on her way, the eternal
flower, the chaste virgin. How lucky we are. I see the light at
the horizon, we will get this evil bastard."
"You are right Luke, he totally lost it. This could be fun."
"I’m telling ye mate I’m going to piss myself
if he goes on like this for much longer."
********************
One day later the chaste virgin arrives, Emma. Luke explains
the situation to her. Jorgi in the meantime left. He was laughing
so much he couldn’t take it anymore. Luke and Kristos were
on their own, Emma promised to support whatever the two planned
to do.
"Luke!"
"Yes my bewildered master."
"A plan I have. I do believe I was kissed by a muse last
knight. "
"I thought so when I saw you falling of the barstool."
"How dare you! I never fell of anything, not in my entire
life."
"So I was mistaken. Apologies my hunted knight, most confused
and full of shite. Of course the stool fell of you."
"Much better son. Long it takes to become a good observer."
"I gathered that, blind one."
"Don’t worry my young friend, infallible only few men
are. Apart from me I only ever knew one and long deceived he is.
Only hope I can, that his restless soul found peace at last. One
has to pay the price for ones actions. Full of wisdom he was,
known all over the world, the mighty knight and his quest for
Avalon. He once tortured a rodent, slaughtered an oak tree, hunted
the faeries, never hesitated, a man and his mission. Hopeless
he was but infallible, the only one I ever met."
"Don’t you forget about our spiritual leader?"
"The man in Rome? Not he even he immune is to failure. He
never committed but better than him I know. As a surprise this
certainly comes not for you."
"Indeed it does not."
"Has the virgin risen already? I can sense a presence I haven’t
sensed in a long, long time."
"I saw her earlier on."
"Lucky you are, brightened your day she has I assume."
"She was basically just shouting at me but yes it certainly
was entertaining."
" Go and find her. Her presence here not only appreciated
it is but needed."
" I do as you say your Nuttyness."
Plakias hasn’t really changed since last year so I’m
not going to repeat what I wrote back then. Just check the website
Planet P. We all got a bit older not much wiser, sometimes I’m
under the impressions that it rather is the opposite way around.
Why not? Life is to short to be serious. If there is one role
model I have it is Raki Mike. This October he turns 70 and he
still parties harder than anyone else.
Talking
about it - most of the regulars are back. It is kind of funny
when you walk into the hostel and know at least 80 percent of
the inmates already. It feels like coming home. In a way it is
boring of course because sometimes you’d rather meet a few
new people but than, I guess this is what home is all about. Since
Tina’s mum arrived - she doesn’t like to be the egg
princess by the way and asked if we could refer to her as breakfast
bitch. Of course we can. - so since Tina’s mum arrived we
get a mummy hug every day so it really feels like home. Very nice
of her.
What
else could I report that you don't know already? It's difficult
Plakias really didn't change that much. The beer is … well
the same old shit, Joes Gin-Tonic as vicious as ever, people party
hard, from what I heard they still serve breakfast at the hostel
(Of course this is only hear saying and not confirmed), the beaches
are class A, … don't know, wait there is something: Plakias
since last winter has a library. I'm not joking!
The
shack behind the Youth hostel is the brand new Plakias lending
library. It's run by the usual suspects; Alan, Andy, Eddie, from
what I heard Iron Mike plays the gardener, Dublin John worked
there for a while but then fell in love with a German lady and
left for good (light weight). It really is a good idea. We reckon
it is the southest most library in Europe and even more important:
the only library that serves wine and allows - wait that's the
wrong word - encourages you to drink and smoke while you look
for something to read. Amazing, they actually have books there
as well.
First we thought it is just a cheap excuse to get pissed (I know
Alan and Andy don't really need an excuse.). Anyway, we love it
and we went there as often as possible. The place is incredibly
laid back, really chilled out, a perfect place to sit an think,
chat or play with with the library cat. The only problem is most
days they are only open in the morning. Bastards!
"Punishment
I say, punishment the servant deserves!"
"What did he do to you shining knight? Why are you so bitter?
Of all people, you the evil one, famous all over the world for
his balance, sanguine almost self-denying indifference?"
"Lady Emma, my young and innocent friend. Very little you
know about the devious means of our time. What could I tell an
innocent flower, waiting to be picked."
"Emma
turns around to Luke. You were right, he fucking lost it. I haven't
seen him this bad since Iron Mikes birthday party a couple of
years ago. Raki?"
"Raki it was. You should have seen him yesterday."
"Feck off, he was worse than today?"
"You bet!"
"Any ideas how we could profit by the situation?"
"Are you in?"
"Are you joking? I wouldn't want to miss this for anything
in the world …well may be if Wolf … well it's not
gonna happen anyway. Let's get Kristos fucked a big time!"
"Your
Evilness did you lay eye on the giraffe?"
OK
the giraffe, this actually is a true story. One evening we were
sitting at the library and because we are in the country site
there was loads of animals passing by, turkeys, Nikos horses,
cat's and dog's you know. Well, after chasing the horses away
because they started to eat the flowers Alan leaned back and said:
One day I will see a giraffe in this place. Luke and myself made
eye contact and blinked at each other. A challenge!
A few weeks later - just before I left - we finally did it. Well
Tina, Filip and Luke did. At least they are the ones I remember
(Diana may have been involved a swell), I was too hang over, to
help them. It was good that way, they did a fine job and built
a thing that actually looked like a fucking giraffe.
The next thing we had to do was to set everything up, we weren't
sure if Alan actually remembered the story with the giraffe. You
know him, he is talking a lot. OK we went to the library and after
a while Luke started to tell the story about all the animals in
the library to a young lady. At some stage he turned around to
Alan and asked wit the most innocent face he is able to make:
Alan what is the animal you one day want to see here? A critical
moment. Alan gave the right answer: A giraffe.
We signalled Diana to come. Here job was to carry the giraffe.
She stepped under the bamboo construction and head from the hostel
towards the library. We took Alan outside and turned him toward
the approaching giraffe. And then something happened, we didn't
expect. For once Alan shut up! It certainly did worth the effort.
His face was priceless.
"We could besiege his fortress, storm it and abuse …
can't think of anything in there that worth's abusing …
well make him drink his own drinks!"
"No attention you paid my young friend. I want to punish,
not reward him. It is revenge we seek, do to him what to me he
did - I want to see the infidel on his knees! I won't rest until
he pleas for mercy."
"Mmmh."
"He is doing much better today isn't he."
"What the fuck you are talking about Emily?"
"Nothing your Evilness."
"I say we besiege the bar and don't leave until he passes
out."
"Luke my young friend, Joe passes out every night and nine
out of ten I am still sober at that time."
"True."
"Let's do a 24 hour challenge then! No rules apply apart
from one: We shall not leave the bar for 24 hours. This will teach
him."
"A master plan my young apprentice. I like the idea."
"So we have a deal?"
"Indeed we do!"
OK, this deserves an explanation. This 24 hour challenge actually
did happen. Long story. What you will read is a copy of the original
notes we took during that 24 hours. The contestants were Lucky
(aka Raki, off the horse) Luke and Evil Kristos. We believe it
is a historical document. We only corrected mistakes (grammar
and spelling) where they are unrelated to our state of mind. Inappropriate
language we did not “bleep”. We believe it would destroy
the context. The formatting indicates who is writing at the time.
Before you continue, it's time for me to say good bye. If you
haven't visited Planet P. 1, the link is: Planet
P.
The Link to Filip's homepage: www.achter.be
Emma's BLOG: Pakiarse
And of course the: PICTURE
GALLERY.
Soon to come: The Winchi Code
And
now enjoy the battle at Joes bar.
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